Do Peter Lovenkrands' Goals Speak for Themselves?

NOTTINGHAM, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 20: Peter Lovenkrands of Newcastle United celebrates scoring his side's second goal from the penalty spot during the Carling Cup Third Round match between Nottingham Forest and Newcastle United at the City Ground on September 20, 2011 in Nottingham, England. (Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images)

Following Newcastle's 4-3 Carling Cup victory in extra time over Championship side Nottingham Forest on Tuesday in which Peter Lovenkrands scored a brace, Loverboy decided to speak out against Newcastle supporters who have been lamenting their club's luck of a Number 9 type scorer:

I came in up front and scored two goals, so it kind of proves a point that I'm ready if needed. That was really my goal - to try to prove that I'm ready to play if they need me. A lot of people are saying, 'We need strikers, we need strikers,' but I scored two and we scored two more from defenders afterwards, so we can score goals pretty much all over the pitch and we showed that. We probably should have done a wee bit better defensively, but that's down to us all from the front to the back.

[via MirrorFootball]

Lovenkrands seems more than a bit annoyed at recent rhetoric - and who can blame him?  It has to suck to be a striker at a club where people keep saying over and over that there are no strikers.  So I decided to see if Lovenkrands' goals would speak for themselves.  The conversation happens after the jump.

Me: Welcome, thanks for granting us this interview.

Peter: A pleasure, as always.  I don't really get to a lot of these, so...

Me: I'm sorry, I was actually talking to your goals, not you.

Peter: ...

Me: Hello?

Peter: Yes, I'm here. I just don't know what you mean.

Me: Well, your goals.  I've been told they speak for themselves.

Peter: You know that's an expression, right?

Me: Hey listen, if your goals can't talk, I don't know that this will be necess...

Peter: No, no, no, wait! I've got it right here. (changes voice slightly) Um, hello.  All 97 of me are here.

Me: 97, wow.  That's quite a number.

Peter: Oh, you know it.  I know lots of strikers that would love to have my number.  Javier Hernandez, Mario Balotelli, Gervinho, Andy Carroll...

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were going to interrupt me.

Me: Nope.

Peter: Well, that's about it.

Me: Those players are all younger than you, and they've played far fewer games than you have.

Peter: Hey, don't try to bring rate stats into this! Statistics don't belong in the beautiful game!

Me: So your goal total doesn't really matter?

Peter: Sorry, you're cutting out, can't hear you.  Terrible service where I am.

Me: So your goal total doesn't really matter?

Peter: Still can't hear you.  Look, I helped the team win.  Without my two goals, they would have been on the wrong side of the scoreline.

Me: One of those goals was a penalty.

Peter: I have got to get a new cell phone provider.  I'll just say this: You'd rather have a guy that can score goals out there over a guy who can't score goals.

Me: So you're saying that Newcastle supporters should be happy that Demba Ba was the only one brought in?

Peter: What have you got against me?

Me: Well, where do I start?  You've only played 72 minutes in the Premier League so far, and in that time you've only managed to touch the ball 11 times.  6 of your 7 completed passes have been backward, you've created zero chances, and your one shot was a gimme that you managed to push off-target.  In fact, I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is you do while you're on the pitch.

Peter: Oh, that I do have an answer for.  I make runs!  Runs are important!

Me: You're always offside.

Peter: Because I'm making runs!

Me: And doing what else, exactly?

Peter: Well, I've got to go!  During the week I make money impersonating Barry Pepper at events.  Some kid is having a WWII themed birthday party, so I'm going to show up in the middle and snipe some dude through his scope.  If I don't get going, I'll be late.

Me: It's good to know you'll be playing the part of a sniper for at least part of the week, anyway.

Peter: Huh?

Me: Well, it was great to speak to you.  One last question: You were making a different voice when I spoke with your goals, weren't you?

Peter: (sheepishly) Yes.

Me: So they don't actually speak for themselves?

Peter: Uh, uh, uh.  You said one more question.  I don't have to answer that.

Me: That's what I thought.

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