Newcastle United's Performance Against Spurs As Candies From Monty Python's Crunchy Frog Skit

Lindt's has no connection with Ram's Bladder Cup. So far as I know. - Stuart Franklin

We're all hurting after the 0-4 debacle. How can we deal with pain? Humor.

We here at CHN have been a little lax in our referencing the great skit comedy show Monty Python's Flying Circus of late. Not any longer, my friends. Not any longer. It would have been so much easier had this been an occasion to draw from a more celebratory experience... but circumstances dictate a healthy dose of Schadenfreude at the expense of... ourselves. I have carefully selected players from today's Newcastle United side to coincide with candies mentioned in the Python's skit "Crunchy Frog".


Cherry Fondue

Now this is extremely nasty. But we can't prosecute you for that.

Cherry Fondue - extremely nasty but without any other particular drawbacks goes to Moussa Sissoko. Heavy on the "run at full speed then turn the ball over" move today, he had a pretty terrible game. But we can't prosecute him for that.

Number 4: Crunchy Frog

Oh, we use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent, Swiss, quintuple-smooth, treble-milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.

Sure, Davide Santon looks pretty on the outside and every once and again he produced a moment frosted with glucose (he did have a shot on target after all!). Get past the quintuple-smooth chocolate exterior with a good hearty bite toward the heart of the candy and you're met with Crunchy, Raw, Unboned, Real Dead Frog. He was withdrawn at half time and frankly, we might have had a chance if Pardew had taken him off at 15 minutes.

Number 5: Ram's Bladder Cup

Oh, we use only the finest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish Ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and garnished with lark's vomit.

I think that in it's base form of ram's bladder fondue, it's easy to find Mike Williamson in this particular confectionery. Mix in a healthy dose of not tracking runners and all around failing to organize the defensive line, you find the mark of lark's vomit all over the top of today's effort.

Cockroach Cluster

We don't get much of a description of exactly what a cockroach cluster entails. If it's much like a turtle, then this could have been Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa and his caramelly grasp that conceded the penalty v. Chelsea... but that's a different match and he's ineligible for consideration. I don't interpret Cockroach Cluster as a turtle-type confection anyway. I envision it as more of a popcorn-ball of cockroaches. (On a much smaller scale, of course. It's got to fit in a chocolate sampler pack.) It would be easy to tack this on Steven Taylor as the defense had a terrible match... but as you can break up a cockroach cluster and sweep it away, starting fresh on a new concoction, I give this to Tim Krul. Could he have done better? They were difficult saves in the first place, but saves by Hugo Lloris on the other end showed how to deal with shots more effectively.

Anthrax Ripple

Anthrax Ripple is another candy we don't get much explanation about, but it seems pretty straightforward. Anthrax is deadly. Alan Pardew is killing our club. Alan Pardew is Anthrax Ripple.

Spring Surprise

Ah, that's one of our specialities. Covered in dark, velvety chocolate, when you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks.

I feel poorly piling on this guy because I, like many, felt there were very very encouraging signs about his play today. At the end of the day, the sweet, dark velvety chocolate play of Papiss Cissé was pretty and tasty in equal measures. When the shoe dropped, however, and the chips were down his finishing was atrocious as ever. Partly Hugo Lloris, partly poor placements on his shots, Papiss managed to plunge steel bolts through our cheeks on multiple occasions today.

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