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Do Peter Lovenkrands' Goals Speak for Themselves?

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Following Newcastle's 4-3 Carling Cup victory in extra time over Championship side Nottingham Forest on Tuesday in which Peter Lovenkrands scored a brace, Loverboy decided to speak out against Newcastle supporters who have been lamenting their club's luck of a Number 9 type scorer:

I came in up front and scored two goals, so it kind of proves a point that I'm ready if needed. That was really my goal - to try to prove that I'm ready to play if they need me. A lot of people are saying, 'We need strikers, we need strikers,' but I scored two and we scored two more from defenders afterwards, so we can score goals pretty much all over the pitch and we showed that. We probably should have done a wee bit better defensively, but that's down to us all from the front to the back.

[via MirrorFootball]

Lovenkrands seems more than a bit annoyed at recent rhetoric - and who can blame him?  It has to suck to be a striker at a club where people keep saying over and over that there are no strikers.  So I decided to see if Lovenkrands' goals would speak for themselves.  The conversation happens after the jump.

Me: Welcome, thanks for granting us this interview.

Peter: A pleasure, as always.  I don't really get to a lot of these, so...

Me: I'm sorry, I was actually talking to your goals, not you.

Peter: ...

Me: Hello?

Peter: Yes, I'm here. I just don't know what you mean.

Me: Well, your goals.  I've been told they speak for themselves.

Peter: You know that's an expression, right?

Me: Hey listen, if your goals can't talk, I don't know that this will be necess...

Peter: No, no, no, wait! I've got it right here. (changes voice slightly) Um, hello.  All 97 of me are here.

Me: 97, wow.  That's quite a number.

Peter: Oh, you know it.  I know lots of strikers that would love to have my number.  Javier Hernandez, Mario Balotelli, Gervinho, Andy Carroll...

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were going to interrupt me.

Me: Nope.

Peter: Well, that's about it.

Me: Those players are all younger than you, and they've played far fewer games than you have.

Peter: Hey, don't try to bring rate stats into this! Statistics don't belong in the beautiful game!

Me: So your goal total doesn't really matter?

Peter: Sorry, you're cutting out, can't hear you.  Terrible service where I am.

Me: So your goal total doesn't really matter?

Peter: Still can't hear you.  Look, I helped the team win.  Without my two goals, they would have been on the wrong side of the scoreline.

Me: One of those goals was a penalty.

Peter: I have got to get a new cell phone provider.  I'll just say this: You'd rather have a guy that can score goals out there over a guy who can't score goals.

Me: So you're saying that Newcastle supporters should be happy that Demba Ba was the only one brought in?

Peter: What have you got against me?

Me: Well, where do I start?  You've only played 72 minutes in the Premier League so far, and in that time you've only managed to touch the ball 11 times.  6 of your 7 completed passes have been backward, you've created zero chances, and your one shot was a gimme that you managed to push off-target.  In fact, I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is you do while you're on the pitch.

Peter: Oh, that I do have an answer for.  I make runs!  Runs are important!

Me: You're always offside.

Peter: Because I'm making runs!

Me: And doing what else, exactly?

Peter: Well, I've got to go!  During the week I make money impersonating Barry Pepper at events.  Some kid is having a WWII themed birthday party, so I'm going to show up in the middle and snipe some dude through his scope.  If I don't get going, I'll be late.

Me: It's good to know you'll be playing the part of a sniper for at least part of the week, anyway.

Peter: Huh?

Me: Well, it was great to speak to you.  One last question: You were making a different voice when I spoke with your goals, weren't you?

Peter: (sheepishly) Yes.

Me: So they don't actually speak for themselves?

Peter: Uh, uh, uh.  You said one more question.  I don't have to answer that.

Me: That's what I thought.