Newcastle Transfer Proposition: Player Exchange With West Ham United

David Gold, David Sullivan and Sam Allardyce please may I have a moment of your time? (Also it may be a good idea for you to tune in also, Brendan Rodgers and John Henry)

You don't know me... but I have a proposal for a tidy piece of business involving your club(s) and the club I support, Newcastle United. As you may know, we recently purchased French international RB Mathieu Debuchy. Implicit in this acquisition is that our current RB, former Manchester United man Danny Simpson (doesn't that make him sound much more attractive to your club?) is available. His contract is out this summer, and there is not even a snowball's chance that he will re-sign now. You may also know that he has famously started a relationship with X-Factor judge Tulisa. A brief check of her relationship history shows that her last boyfriend and herself split due to "incompatible schedules". You can understand his desire, then, to continue his career with a club in London. I notice that your club is in London.

You may have noticed that we are struggling defensively this year, and that in particular we are in need of a decent CB. This is hardly a secret, as we've needed a potential front line CB since our demotion to the Championship, if we're being frank. You have an extra center back at this time- one that we may have discussed before. James Tomkins is a bright young talent (he's never played for Manchester United, mind), and we feel like he would be a decent fit for us. At the very least, he can't be much worse than what we've seen from our own CBs this season. We would also like to propose the following to sweeten the deal: Your loan for Merouane Chamakh and signing of young Sean Maguire clearly indicate that your little experiment with former Toon lad Andy Carroll is over... we would like to take him off of your hands for the remainder of the loan period that you agreed with Liverpool. We will need you to cover an amount of his wages, of course, but he would at least not be hanging around not scoring goals at your place. Everyone wins in this situation - you get a quality RB... we get a much-needed CB... you get rid of a player you don't want on your squad... Andy Carroll gets one last chance. Please check the appropriate box below and return it to me by tomorrow.

Do you love this deal?