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BREAKING: Newcastle United Need A New Top Class Striker

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From the "surely you must be shitting me" department, this report from the Chronicle.

See?  Isn't this peaceful? Don't you feel nice?
See? Isn't this peaceful? Don't you feel nice?
USA TODAY Sports

In a fresh report, Lee Ryder and The Chronicle have indicated that it has taken Joe Kinnear to tell Mike Ashley exactly what you and I have known for months (or multiple transfer windows if you were of the mind that Ba and Cissé were not quite enough depth at striker). Newcastle United are in need of a top quality striker. Allow me a moment to pick myself up off of the floor.

Kinnear had also said earlier last week: "If we spell it out to Mike that it is a serious situation and we do need a quality striker, I’m pretty sure he will pay up."

-- From The Chronicle

Perhaps I'm on to the "acceptance" stage of grief with regards to this Joe Kinnear thing, but look - if it took Joe Kinnear for some reason to be able to say "WE NEED A STRIKER" in whatever manner made sense finally in Mike Ashley's ears, then I welcome my new name-ignorant overlord.

Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang is still the name being bandied about in spite of interest in the player from European runners-up Borussia Dortmund as well as Roma - with funds alleged to be available that "won't drain United's current running costs" in order to meet the £13m reported cost for the Gabon international. I suppose this is what passes for good news at this particular time and place...

In the mean time, I feel the need to plump for a young, talented striker that (if we fail to get Aubameyang) would cost significantly less than £13m and could do a job for Newcastle United: #JozyforNUFC #Don'tLetJozyGoToSunlun