How would Pardew have stopped that last goal

Watching Newcastle hasn't been much fun lately, and even less fun is listening to Alan Pardew Excuse Bingo. However, today, the least popular man on Tyneside may have taken the cake:

Now, some of what Pardew says in there is acceptable. Newcastle's effort was better today. And sure, the early subs made for some tired bodies late in the match that couldn't be subbed off. But, when asked about having to watch from the stands, Pardew says, "I could have stopped that last goal."

This was well mocked on the Twitters....

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Alan Pardew: &quot;I&#39;m pretty sure I would have stopped that last goal had I been on the sidelines&quot;. By subbing yourself on &amp; saving the pen?</p>&mdash; WeAreTheMags™ (@WeAreTheMags) <a href="https://twitter.com/WeAreTheMags/statuses/457567845896163329">April 19, 2014</a></blockquote>

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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Pardew: “I’m pretty sure I’d have stopped that goal if I’d been there.” WTF you couldn&#39;t stop a bus at the bus station</p>&mdash; Les Johnstone (@Madmagpie852075) <a href="https://twitter.com/Madmagpie852075/statuses/457578418968985600">April 19, 2014</a></blockquote>

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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>There you have it ladies and gents, we wouldnt have lost if Pardew had been on sidelines. <a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23pardewlogic&amp;src=hash">#pardewlogic</a></p>&mdash; Barry Anamoby (@ToonArmyMIA) <a href="https://twitter.com/ToonArmyMIA/statuses/457580827686502400">April 19, 2014</a></blockquote>

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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Loooooooooooool who does Pardew actually think he is? If he was on the sidelines, the players wouldn&#39;t have made a mistake? With voodoo??</p>&mdash; キラ (@Suraj182) <a href="https://twitter.com/Suraj182/statuses/457579912317374465">April 19, 2014</a></blockquote>

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Look, this season has been awful. There's no hope for Newcastle to do anything. So, let's have some fun. Let's say that Alan Pardew COULD have stopped that last goal....how does he do it? Be creative, give recs for your favorites, and let's have a bit of a laugh in this dreary season.