Mike Ashley is never going to sack Alan Pardew

In a development that should shock nobody, Mike Ashley has decided that he will not sack Alan Pardew, according to The Mirror. Speculation was rampant that the beleaguered manager would be searching through the employment listings today following yet another dreadful performance and a 0-1 loss to Stoke City, but it appears instead that nothing will ever be enough to convince Ashley to rip up that albatross of a contract.

This, despite tons of amateur lip readers insisting that the owner's post-match message to Chairman Lee Charnley was something along the lines of, "Yep, he's done." The Mirror, citing information from "Newcastle officials," says that Pards will be given a second chance because the club failed to provide him with a goal-scorer.

The Mirror was apparently unable to reach Emmanuel Rivière, Ayoze Perez, or Facundo Ferreyra for comment.

We've said all along that Pardew's job is likely safe, and it's really kind of sad to watch people get their hopes up every time Newcastle drop points (so, basically every week). You may all stop hoping for bad results now.