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REVEALED: The Newcastle United Story Cycle

Following Newcastle United these days is nothing if not predictable. We have discovered the story cycle that Mike Ashley has managed to ingrain into the culture at our club and reveal it here!

Adam Berry/Getty Images

The wheel that is the Newcastle United yearly news cycle keeps spinning it's aimless trek through the cosmos.  As immutable as the passage of time, there are a finite number of stories possible with modern day Newcastle United.  Sure we may see offshoots (The Cups Aren't Priority!), but the story of every Newcastle United season boils down to this sequence:

We are today sat at "MD ON HOT SEAT" following Luke Edwards' assertion that "Mike Ashley will seek an explanation for the club's late season collapse".  This all sounds very exciting except for when (and we still must operate within the parameters of "when" instead of "if") Newcastle finally pick up those couple of points that will mean the difference between a white-knuckled squeaky-bum finish to the season and another Premier League pocket injection for Mike Ashley we will suddenly be moving on to the next part of the cycle.  In fact, the seeds are already being planted for an early off-season rumor connecting Newcastle and Crystal Palace's £15m (allegedly) winger Yannick Bolasie.

Oooh shiny!

In the end, it will be the same as it ever was under Mike Ashley.  We will scrape through by the skin of our teeth.  They will dangle shiny names in front of our faces with the intention of leading us into the belief that things will be different this time.  (Remember that one time that Joe Kinnear promised us that he would be after Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang or a similar level player?)  We will hold on to our butts through the offseason, desperately hoping to hold on to our most marketable assets, which we will not.  Moussa Sissoko will be off for PSG or Arsenal.  Sylvain Marveaux will be back from loan to Jocelyn Gourvennec and his Guingamp squad (who will still have a happy relationship in France) and HE WILL BE LIKE A NEW SIGNING!  Working Class John Carver™ will still be at the helm (ostensibly because we "didn't get a fair representation of what John is" due to problems earlier in the story cycle... realistically because it will be a middle finger at the Toon Army).

Like sands through the hourglass, the inevitable cycle of Newcastle United news will pass, a new season will start and I will be sat a year from now typing the exact. same. words.