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Thanks for the memories, you're cut

I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple minutes.

Mark Runnacles/Getty Images

Oh hey there, Jonás. Um. Well. This is awkward. Come on in and have a seat.

Where to start? Hm. Well. We had some good times, right? Remember the relegation season?

Oh yes, I see how that sounds. No, I meant that you stuck with us, moved from your favored position, and were a key part of the promotion campaign. Naturally, that's what I meant.

And then there was the mass exodus of players from that era. Remember when Joey Barton tweeted #mejoseandjonasnext after Kevin Nolan was unceremoniously dumped, eh, I mean respectfully sold to West Ham? You sure made him a liar! We really appreciate that you didn't actually leave. You know that, right?

Of course you do. We got you that commemorative pen as a token of our appreciation. Do you still have that thing?

Ah, what a shame.

Mostly, we're glad that you didn't leave, despite the numerous opportunities that you had to do so.

Oh, and we're really glad that you're not dead. We were all really rooting for you when you were battling cancer. Well, most of us were. Listen, an appropriate number of us were secretly happy when you pulled through.

So, listen, since you didn't play enough games to activate your contract extension, thanks to some clever maneuvering by our front office, we're going to have to ask you to turn in your shirt, boots, and spider-man mask. We'll put those into our recycling program. That program saved us almost £100 last year! We really are the best bookkeepers in the league.

Anyway, thank you for scoring in the last game of the season, but it's not like we really needed that goal anyway. Here at Newcastle United, we're all about meeting the minimum expectations. We're safe, and so now we need to be about the business of making sure we finish 17th next season. Thank you for your service.

Oh, and will you tell Taylor he's been cut, too? No, not him. That would make too much sense. The other one. Thanks.

(Jonás Gutiérrez, Ryan Taylor, Jak Alnwick, Adam Campbell, and Remie Streete were released by Newcastle United Friday. Facundo Ferreyra was returned from his loan, and Sammy Ameobi was offered a new contract.)