10 Misters Newcastle United Ruled Out Before Hiring Mr. Muscle

With strong suggestions that Newcastle "will hire" Alessandro Schoenmaker – Code Name: Mr. Muscle – to try to alleviate the long-suffering muscles of Newcastle United players, we thought we'd take a break from the frustration that is trying to piece together exactly what the club is doing to reboot for the 2015-16 Premier League season and have a little light-hearted fun based on Schoenmaker's nickname.

10 "Misters" Newcastle United passed up to bring in Mr. Muscle

1.  Mr. Coffee

Born in 1972, Mr. Coffee has developed a reputation for invigorating a squad.  There are those who would question the suitability of his methods with regard to the modern footballer and the sustainability of his delivery method, but there is no question that those who employ his methods see nearly instant results, usually within 15-30 minutes of having started his program.  Word is that his need to bring in an assistant – reports suggest that this assistant would come from the Folgers stable – worked against him significantly.

2.  Mr. Clean

Mr. Clean is a man with a squeaky clean reputation for running a spotless ship.  Unfortunately for him, it is unlikely that the muscle injuries suffered by Newcastle United players were rooted in a cleanliness issue.  While the Magic Eraser could prove very helpful in removing names from the injury list, it would not have been in a way that translated to the pitch.

3.  Mr Bean

Let's be honest here.  Mr. Bean would have brought a certain hilarity to the Newcastle United backroom.  If the old adage is correct that laughter is indeed the best medicine one would have to assume he could have done a job for Steve McClaren... or at least interjected a bit of levity into the frustration that is trying to figure out what the club are doing these days.  Hilarious or not, it is quite certain that laughter is indeed not the best medicine for muscle strains and tears, so Mr. Bean dropped from contention very early on.

4.  Mr. Mister

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel indeed, but that road did not lead to a position on Steve McClaren's staff.  80's band Mr. Mister's brand of faith healing was reportedly unable to convince Mike Ashley enough that he was willing to invest in 4 men to do one job.  (Kyrie Eleison is the opening of the Mass Ordinarium.  Translated, the Kyrie's lyrics are: "Lord, have mercy/Christ, have mercy/Lord, have mercy".)  In fact, it may be that Mr. Mister's area of specialization was not muscles at all but broken bones.  Regardless of which reason holds the truth, Mr. Mister will have to take their Broken Wings and learn to fly again elsewhere.

5.  Mr. T

At his best, Mr. T was really only marginally relevant.  Interest in T presumably is a relic of the Joe Kinnear era.  Bedo had "heard of him", presumably from his role as B. A. Baracus on television's The A Team.  While the no-nonsense attitude of Baracus could have a positive influence on "playing through the pain barrier", the long-term counterproductive potential ruled him out of serious consideration.  It should be be remembered that his Clubber Lang lost from a decisive position to a past his best Rocky Balboa as well...

6.  Mr. Pibb

Pibb was a name that was thrown into the conversation because someone's brother's mate had a conversation with a "source close to the club" and twitter blew it up.  It is uncertain that Mr. Pibb would have been able to withstand the mocking "You're just a shit Dr. Pepper" chants that would have come his way.

7.  Mr. Olympia

Who in the world has a better idea about building and maintaining muscles than Mr. Olympia?  Probably not many do, but persistent rumors of PED usage took the slab of solid muscle from front-runner to untouchable.  Even supposed "perfect specimens" such as Arnold Schwarzenegger have confessed to using extra-legal means to supplement their muscles and with Mike Ashley's propensity towards secrecy about his dealings with Newcastle United, having the World Anti-doping Agency peering over the clubs shoulder on a regular basis was a deal breaker.

8.  Mr. Roboto

A candidate after Mike Ashley's own heart.  Mr. Roboto was renowned for his ability to "do the jobs that nobody wants to."  It really seemed like a match made in heaven, but it became clear during the interview process that Roboto was hiding something.  It was as if the machine had a human heart... boiling blood... He was not the robot without emotion he was meant to be.  It turned out that Roboto was in fact Robert Orin Charles Kilroy, rock star forced into hiding by Dr. Righteous.  The similarities between Righteous and Ashley quickly scuppered any move Tyneside for Mr. Roboto.

9.  Mr. Bill

Over the years, Mr. Bill has proven nothing if not the fact that he is resilient.  Bouncing back from countless crushing defeats, Mr. Bill has that drive to keep carrying on even under the worst of situations.  As a clay man, however, he has no knowledge or experience with human musculature, which really kind of defeats the purpose.  His qualifications, however, do posit him as potentially the perfect Newcastle United supporter.

10.  Mr. Potatohead

The man of many faces has the flexible personality to be everything that Mike Ashley wants at any particular time he could want it.  His preference for an "interchangeable parts" method of muscle replacement was ultimately decided to be unacceptable when Potatohead told Ashley he "could not work with bargain bin parts" from sub-par athletes.