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Deconstructing 'The Charnley Statement'

The club are just awful sorry. Really.

Mark Runnacles/Getty Images

Lee Charnley put out a statement to Newcastle United supporters following confirmation of our relegation to the Championship.  It is a departure from everything you've ever read from the club.  (Not actually).  Let's take a shot at "deconstructing" the memo that he put out.

Tonight we are devastated at our relegation from the Premier League, as I know every single person connected to this football club will be.

Think back to when you were a kid.  You were there, stood in front of your father.  He was reaming you up one side and down the other for some childhood transgression.  "I'm sorry" you say.  "Are you sorry you did it or sorry you got caught?"  This is exactly that.  They are sorry for nothing.  Their hubris has been consistent and evident for years.  They're just sorry it caused them to "get caught".

I want to thank all of the fans for the support you have shown for the Club you love throughout the season, in spite of this massive disappointment and underachievement.

"It's not our fault.  Really.  Remember when we spent all that money willy-nilly but failed to address the larger problem? Not us.  Them."

I also want to thank every single member of staff here. This Club is their livelihood, but they are fans too. To go through the threat of relegation last season and then to suffer a worse fate this time around has been very hard for them. I know that each and every one of them has done whatever they could to help us out of the situation we now find ourselves in.

"I'm pretty sure there's a way to blame these people.  We'll find it somewhere, and those responsible for this farce (not us, mind) will be sacked."

We know that supporters want to know what the future holds and will want to hear more from us as soon as possible. The process of scrutinising what went wrong and planning for what is to come has already begun.

"We're going to go ahead and keep pretending we have no idea what happened.  We'll find something to blame that doesn't involved the words 'We screwed it.  We should have done something sooner but we knew better than you lot.'"

Right now, of course, Rafa and the team must prepare for the final game of the season but after that, please rest assured we will communicate more fully with supporters.

"We've promised you better communication in the past, but we really mean it this time.  Seriously.  Starting tomorrow."