Sorry for not putting my best effort into this post. Newcastle’s attack looks like it has already gone on holiday, and I feel the same way after just finishing law school. So here’s an appropriately “low-energy” post as the Magpies stumble across the 2017-18 finish line.
1. We are bad at scoring goals. One goal from four matches is awful. Nothing says “we have European ambitions” like an Ayoze Perez / Dwight Gayle / Joselu frontline. Somewhere Shola Ameobi is wondering if he can come out of retirement for us.
2. The soccer gods are mean. We’ve hit a post or crossbar in three straight matches. We lost each match by one goal. Kenedy struck the post against West Brom, Perez at Watford, and Shelvey against Spurs.
3. Rafa Looks like a Disappointed Father when Newcastle Loses
4. We’re Still in Tenth Place
We can fall as low as 15th on Sunday, but so far we remain just ahead of the fledgling masses. Nice!
5. Ayoze Perez is Probably Thinking about Vacation
Can you blame him? He grew up on a picturesque island off the coast of southern Morocco. Looks like a proper spot for Ayoze to take Matt Ritchie, Jamaal Lascelles, & some of the other lads on holiday.
6. Aleksandar Mitrovic Will Probably be the only Magpie in Russia This Summer
That’s pretty sad to admit. Shelvey and Lascelles have punchers chances for England. DeAndre Yedlin, Matt Ritchie, and Martin Dubravka would’ve played for the U.S., Scotland, and Slovakia respectively. But Mitrovic is probably our only man to feature in Russia 2018. He features for the Serbian national team.
7. Just a List of things More Offensive than Newcastle’s Attack
The average Donald Trump tweet, someone littering a cigarette, R. Kelly, James Harden, Tonya Harding, ESPNFC TV, Alexi Lalas’ color commentary, Harry Kane, Charles Foster Kane, Arsenal in European competitons, Sunderland’s offense (52 goals in 46 matches v. our 36 in 37), etc.
8. ‘Member when we beat Arsenal?
9. This Will (Probably) be an Eventful Summer
Despite the success of this campaign, there is massive uncertainty on Tyneside entering the summer months. There are constant rumors of an Amanda Staveley ownership takeover from Mike Ashley. Rafa Benitez may leave if he cannot spend enough this summer to make this club a contender for Europa League. Big decisions must be made about Jamaal Lascelles, Kenedy and others. And the club needs a proper striker to turn close losses into draws and wins.
10. But Things Really Aren’t that Bad
All in all, it’s been a successful season. We’ve secured safety, beaten Man United and Arsenal, and played our best top-flight defensive season in over a decade. If Newcastle defeats a distracted Chelsea side on Sunday, the Magpies will likely finish in 10th position.
The lads haven’t played great the last month, but the effort has still been mostly present. When all is said and done, Sunderland’s going down and the Mags are staying up.