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CHN End of the Season Awards: The Absolute Dumpster Fire Award

Fact: Some fires are good, this is NOT one of those

Newcastle United v Swansea City - Premier League
Here we see Voldemort draining the soul of one of his victims
Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images

For every Benedict Cumberbatch there is always a cousin Sal who thinks he is going to be the next big Hollywood actor, yet he can’t sing or act. My point being, for every MVP there is a worst player of the team. We are in the second part of our series of awards we are handing out to the lads, today we are talking the worst player of the season. We will award this individual with the “Absolute Dumpster Fire Award. The name of course comes from the fact that the individual selected is probably a literal dumpster fire. Here are our picks, let us know yours!

Mirza Usman Baig - Javier Manquillo

There have been some poor performers in our side this season, but only one stands out for consistently being bad. Javi Manquillo just doesn’t cut it at either of the full-back positions. It’s no coincidence that Newcastle improved defensively when Manquillo stopped playing. At this point, he doesn’t even look like a competent squad rotation player. I guess this is the price of seeking out bargains. To cope with the fact that money was spent on Manquillo, I like pretend that his transfer fee was actually paid for Lejeune...

Cameron Johnson - Jesus Gamez

Gamez was not a factor in Newcastle’s success this season. He was outplayed by younger players and never really asserted himself, despite playing on a team who reached two Champions’ League finals in the last four years. He might’ve been a valuable mentoring presence for all I know, but he did not contribute much on the pitch, playing only 97 minutes in the Premier League this year.

Swansea City v Newcastle United - Premier League
This was actually the only bright spot of Renato Sanches’s season
Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images

Brad Mitchell - Javier Manquillo

I had a tough time deciding between him, Darlow, and Joselu for this. Ultimately, for all the latter two’s faults, they still had their good moments. Darlow had one or two huge performances, and Joselu found a decent role as a late sub to help see out one-goal leads. Manquillo started decently enough filling in for Yedlin the first few weeks. It was clear he doesn’t have what it takes at this level, not a great defender, not a great attacker, not particularly fast. It says a lot that both Mbemba and Gamez outplayed him at leftback earlier in the season.

Elijah Newsome - Joselu

It seemed as if every attack Newcastle strung together was ultimately ruined by Joselu. Yes, Joselu was able to bang in a few goals, and I would hope so, it is literally his job. Alas, he actually was God awful at literally anything else football related. He is slow, he plays terrible passes, has the first touch of an amputated tortoise and defends worse than the French during any war. He’s a nice guy, but I hope we can have considerable upgrade over him next season so that I don’t have to see him on the pitch again.

Dominic Kearns - Joselu

With all due respect to Islam Slimani, Joselu takes this by a nose. Slimani was pretty crap, but at least he only was here for several months & had a nice assist to beat Arsenal.

Joselu was consistently pisspoor. I’ve never seen a striker look less confident on a penalty than Joselu on his pathetic miss against Burnley. He forced Rafa to start Dwight Gayle up top in the past few months, but not before costing us several points. How did this man score a La Liga goal for Real Madrid?

David Hatch - Jacob Murphy

It brings me no joy to write this – Murphy seems a great kid, and at only 23, there is plenty of room for growth. Do you know what else has brought me no joy? Watching Jacob Murphy play for Newcastle United. Murphy proved unable to hold onto the ball in possession or complete passes and unwilling to contribute defensively, which put him in stark contrast with the other wingers in the side who were defensively responsible and better able to link up with their fullbacks and midfielders on the attack.

Liverpool v Newcastle United - Premier League
Jacob Murphy kind of look like a raptor from Jurassic Park
Photo by Gareth Copley/Getty Images

That’s it from the staff today, let us know who your Absolute Dumpster Fire award goes to this season in the comments. Don’t forget to vote and share this article!


Who wins the Absolute Dumpster Fire Award this season?

This poll is closed

  • 45%
    (27 votes)
  • 36%
    Javi Manquillo
    (22 votes)
  • 5%
    Jacob Murphy
    (3 votes)
  • 1%
    Jesus Gamez
    (1 vote)
  • 10%
    Islam Slimani
    (6 votes)
  • 1%
    Someone Else (let us know in the comments)
    (1 vote)
60 votes total Vote Now